The Art of Being a Guest

As a child, I was a bit socially awkward. OK, really socially awkward. I got better, really.

However, even today, I find myself often unsure of what to do in new and unfamiliar social situations. The wonderful thing about traveling is that you're almost always in an unfamiliar social situation. Especially when you frequently find yourself a guest in the home of another, as I did in my recent month-long stay in Peru.

Being a guest is a wonderful opportunity, though! A chance to meet new people, see new lifestyles and values in action, and understand a people, culture, and city from a deeper, wider perspective compared to staying in a hotel or youth hostel. Or, it could simply mean a chance to reconnect with an old friend you haven't seen in ages. And now that I'm older and wiser (don't laugh), I love the idea of being a great guest, too. A guest that enriches the lives of their hosts, whose presence is a present.

The act of being a guest in another's home gives us a unique view not only into how they live their lives, but into how we can live ours. George Steiner has a wonderful essay on Jewish Identity (Zion and Jewish Identity, from My Unwritten Books) that is worth quoting:

It is my conviction that the Jew in the Diaspora must survive in order to be a guest among men. All of us are the guests of life, thrown into life beyond our volition and understanding. We are now being made grimly aware that we are the guests of a vandalized planet. Unless we learn to be one another's guests, mankind will slither into mutual destruction and perpetual hatred...

From this perspective, learning how to be a good guest means learning how to live convivially, sharing and creating mutual value with one another. Beyond fostering the empathic bonds necessary for our social and environmental survival, Steiner also sees the act of being a guest as leading to a personal state of perpetual curiosity:

If he is forced to resume his wandering, he will not regard this experience as a lamentable chastisement. It is also an opportunity. There is no language not worth learning. No nation or society not worth exploring. No city is not worth leaving if it succumbs to injustice. We are accomplices to that which leaves us indifferent. Judaism is Exodus, the spur of new beginnings, of the morning star.

For the curious guest, each new host is also a beginning, and an opportunity to learn, create, and enrich.

To return to how to be a good guest. I'm a great fan of simple rules of thumb. In light of my oft-lacking social skills, I decided to develop my own rules of thumb for the fine art of being a good guest. Some of these, most of them probably, will be obvious. Sometimes we forget to do the obvious, though- perhaps you'll find it useful, as I have, to have them written down and crystallized. I know I've had my share of embarrassing moments with hosts that I'd rather not repeat.

In the end, I think they can be summed up as: How can I leave my host's home as a good friend, or as a better friend than before? The principles of doing this are basic (clean up after yourself, share moments and give gifts, and over-communicate), though the application is particular. Let us commence.

My (by no means original) Rules to the Art of Being a Guest:

1. Have 20 minute conversation before you arrive on expectations and rules. When do your hosts go to bed and get up? What are their work schedules? Are you invited to family meals? What dietary restrictions are involved? What is their ideal guest? How will you be spending your time at their home and in their city? What expectations do they have of the time they'll spend with you? It's best to answer these questions now, because the quickest source of frustration for any party involved is when an unchallenged assumption about the home, the relationship, or your time there turns out, at the last minute, to be wrong. In fact, I'm thinking it may be useful to develop a standard "interview guide" of basic questions to ask your host before you arrive.. edit: you can check out the interview guide I developed here.
2. Bring a housewarming gift, and probably a goodbye gift too. They can be simple things, as long as they're thoughtful. It's good manners and a great way to start off the guest relationship. Plus, I personally love giving gifts- that may make me a bit biased. A goodbye gift shows your gratefulness, and gives you the opportunity to give a really well thought out gift, too, after having seen firsthand the habits and preferences of your hosts. You can leave it with your thank-you note, even. What makes good gifts? I'm a fan of consumables, especially for someone you don't know well yet. Who doesn't appreciate a nice dessert or bottle of alcohol? Ok, sure, you want to make sure your hosts aren't teetotalers, but that's where you've got to do your research (see rule 1)! A great gift would also be treating your hosts to dinner at a restaurant, or at a fun event or concert.
3. Communicate on a daily basis your plans, and your host's plans. I can't stress how important communication is. At my previous job at OU Economic Development, we talked about how to apply the principle of "over-communication". After all, nearly every misunderstanding, argument, or bad blood can be traced back to a lack of communication. That's certainly been my experience as a guest. Having a quick 15 minute chat each night about the plans for the next day have proven to be an effective prescription for the maladies of miscommunication. You could probably even work it into the dinner conversation, if you're dining with your hosts. Just as important as what you're up to, is what they're up to. For example: Are they accompanying you? Do you need to work around the fact that they'll be going to bed early, or leaving early the next day?
4. Always clean any mess you make, and try to clean the messes you didn't make too. The first is obvious, and should be done as soon as you can.  I also think that it pays to make the extra effort, and look for the opportunity to clean up or help out with normal cleaning, when it's appropriate. You should always take your cues from your host. For example, at one apartment I stayed in, the hosts insisted that I not help do the dishes as the maid would be in the next day to do them. Though at least your hosts will appreciate the offer. With one family I stayed with, I knew the mom would never accept my offer of washing dishing. I eventually started doing them on my own, without telling her, once I felt more comfortable with the family dynamics.
5. Share what you can: laughter, stories, conversation, food. What can you share that will enrich and add value to your hosts? Meals are the easy, surefire way to do this. There's something timeless about sharing a good meal, after all- there's a reason the communion ceremony in Christian religions typically involves breaking bread. I enjoy cooking, and try and cook for my hosts. They appreciate the effort, we all get a great meal, and they get to keep the leftover ingredients I buy for the meal. Great conversation is another simple, perhaps overlooked method to creating shared value. Bust out all your charms. Look for opportunities- where appropriate, as always- to have deep conversations with your hosts and get to know them more than superficially- especially important if you didn't know them well before.
6. Leave a handwritten thank-you note when you leave. I like the idea of leaving a handwritten note at the end of your stay, others advise mailing one. I think both are fine. But do one of the two. It doesn't have to be fancy- just leave a few words, in your handwriting, thanking the hosts and commenting on the particulars of how and why your stay with them was special. The thank-you note is also a perfect opportunity to reinforce your offer for reciprocity, which is rule number 7.
7. Reciprocity: extend the offer to help how you can. Ah yes, reciprocity: the desire for which, makes nearly all human dealings possible. This goes right along with how you can offer value to your hosts. Use your imagination here. It can be as basic as extending the offer to host them or show them around your home when and if they visit, all the way to arrangements very particular to your relationship with your hosts. For example, I offered to help one of my hosts in Lima learn English by skyping with them, sending them some language learning materials, and connecting them with friends of mine interested in doing a language exchange. It's a win-win-win: I add reciprocal value to them, I get to keep in touch with a new friend, and other friends of mine get to meet someone new as well.

Finally: Modify or omit any of these rules based on the particularities of each host you're staying with and your history with them.
These rules of thumb are not hard and fast. To quote Orwell, "Break any of these rules sooner than say [or do] anything outright barbarous".

Are there any you would add?

Dillon Dakota Carroll
Norman, Oklahoma